What it's like to research grad school

   Imagine you've decided to run a marathon.  One you've been training for four years.  It's one you've wanted to do, but you weren't too sure if you were going to be able to do it.  With some pushes in the right direction, you decide it's finally time to lace up.  You put your shoes on and you stand at the starting line waiting for that gun to fire that it's time to go.  You take a deep breath in and close your eyes, and when the gun is pulled, you feel like you're walking the race instead of running it.  Every few miles you fall down and every time you get back up it's more of a challenge.  But you keep going.  You know at the end your prize is there, and despite the fact the beginning of your journey feels like it's beating you down, you keep doing it.  You see glimmers of hope in your future in the form of post it note flags making it to the garbage and schools getting crossed off and eliminated.  You feel yourself fall one more time by not having a prerequisite for a school you loved.  Researching grad schools is a marathon.
   It's not just a marathon though, it's also feels like your being interrogated for a crime at times.  The questions are of course, asked out of genuine curiosity of people.  But when you're feeling overwhelmed by going through 50 states and 10 provinces to find programs you're interested in, your fuze can be particularly short at times and while you're not in a tiny room with a detective sipping his cup of coffee as he goes through the same questions for the hundredth time, it can sure somtimes feel like it. Why would you pick that school?  Why would you go to America if you were a Canadian citizen? What faculty do you like? Do you have a research topic idea? Who are your references? Have you written the GREs yet? How's studying for them going? When's your application due dates?
  And then sometimes, it feels like you're on a gameshow called "what does this university offer?" where your prize is going to be the financial funding you need.  You look through the teaching assistantships, the research positions, the on campus jobs and whether they offer scholarships.  Sometimes it feels like you're going to step up there and spin the wheel and land on BANKRUPT, and sometimes it feels like you've got that million dollar spin.

It's been many hours filled with tears researching where I want to go.  But I feel like if I dream big enough and I try hard enough I'm going to get in somewhere.  My hardwork is going to be paid off.  As I've so wisely been told "there's nothing as bitter as a grad school drop out".  I will be better, and not bitter.

One track mind.

I think it's difficult being a student preparing for grad school, because it is literally the only thing on your mind.  I don't mean that in a "I LITERALLY slept 20 hours" kind of way, I mean it's all you think about.  From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed the word GREs probably leaves my mouth a good 20 or more times.  I read vocab. I do practice questions.  I dread November 6th like no tomorrow.  I wonder what I've gotten myself into.  I read the prep book again.  I skim the pages.  I see I'm still struggling. I worry. I take a study break to work on my homework.  I think about how if my average drops 1% I'll lower my chances at so many schools. I think about my personal statements I need to write.  About the application process.  The cost. The cost. The cost. The dollars. The cents. Does any of it make sense? The fights with parents. The need for people to understand why I'm applying across North America.  The "I'm not drinking booze until I've finished" promise.  The big book of schools. The post it notes.  Colour coding. Google search.  A school that doesn't fit my needs.  A rip out of a flagged post-it note.  A website booked.  A "more information" form filled out.  A never ending process.

The worst part is, acceptance is obviously not guaranteed. Nobody on the other side has the faintest clue who I am.  I rely on the scores, the personal statement, my resume, and reference letters to speak volumes for me.  And then sometimes I'll be required to have an interview.

I annoy people.  I struggle to have conversations that don't revolve around grad school.  I'm irritating.  I'm annoying.  I don't make plans. I sit at home or at school constantly.  I don't have a life.  Right now that's okay.

Grad school is all I think about.

"How's the drive?"

    I swear this is the number one question I get from people.  After being someone who literally lived a parking lot away from her university classes her entire academic career you can imagine the shock it must of been for me to start commuting.  Sometimes, it sucks and sometimes it's alright.  It's not my ideal situation, but it's something I have to do in order to make things work for me.  Here's the best break down of what it's like commuting for me:

• The drive from my town to the city is almost never busy.  In fact, I kind of enjoy it this time of year with all the leaves changing colour.  I have time where I can sip my coffee now and then as I drive and not worry about getting into an accident or it affecting my speed. 
• Tuesdays are easily the worst day.  I don't know what it is, but every Tuesday trying to get myself to school is a hassle.  My 45 minute - an hour commute turns into an hour and a half.  The highway where I need to be on for two exits takes me almost 20 minutes.  It's a nightmare. 
• I leave late enough at night where I never hit rush hour.  It's actually refreshing that I don't sit in line ups at traffic lights. 
• My parents are constantly annoyed that I have the car, and to be honest I don't blame them.  I'm almost never home for someone who lives there.
• The cost I pay in gas a week is insane.  But it's still cheaper than living on residence.

I like having a car at school though because it honestly makes a different to my day and I no longer feel trapped on campus.  I'm taking opportunities I never took before because I have access to a car.  I'm able to go and get food if I want it at lunch time or drive friends to pick up some dinner. Those little breaks of sanity are what's needed. 

So overall the drive, is not too bad. I may be singing a different story though once we have snow on the ground.

"So are you like, going to be a student forever?"

   With October finally making it's way here, and 31 for 21 starting, I figured what better time than now to start the blog that's been rushing in my head for what feels like forever.  For those of you who don't know, October is Down syndrome awareness month.  For the last six years, the Down syndrome community has blogged everyday for the month of October to show their support for one another.  The idea of it is to get you writing and to connect with others, not write about Down syndrome everyday.

So where did the idea for this blog come from?  Somewhere between the "you're doing five years of your undergrad?" and "why do you want to go to grad school?" I decided I needed to get my thoughts out about the whole slew of decisions that have come from it one place.  Let me start off by saying one thing: if you had asked me a year ago if I would be going to grad school, I would of told you to stop being an idiot.  Now I'm spending hours a day researching schools and reading the Princeton Review in an attempt to get into schools not only in Canada, but in America as well. 

And now comes the back story:

   I've been an overachiever my entire university career.  I'm not talking the "oh I raise my hand in class" overachiever, I'm talking president, vice president, and student government representative in the same year overachieving.  I made a name for myself.  Albeit, at times not a good name, but a name none the less.  I was known for being "the psychology student" a lot of the time.  I sat on panels for parents, prospective students and guidance counsellors.  I participated in curriculum committees and stated my honest opinions about courses and textbooks.  I ran events and fundraisers and started feuds with other student governments.  I worked an on campus job in some capacity since my second year and lived on campus my entire four years.  I was known. For good and for bad.  But needless to say my identity was strongly tied to Amanda Howlett - undergraduate psychology student at the University of Guelph-Humber.

   So March rolls around, and Easter comes around, and I end up in a meeting with my program head about some upcoming events our psych society was going to do.  He asked the question everyone had been asking me for weeks; "what are you going to do when you graduate?".  My work experience did not scream a career in psychology so I responded with my honest answer I'd been giving everyone of "I'm probably going to become an office secretary or something". He looked at me puzzled and said:

"Why don't you do a fifth year?"

  

I understand at some universities, this wouldn't be a big deal.  Many students take five years to complete a program.  But when your school has the motto of a "university degree and college diploma in four years" five years doesn't really pop into your mind.  To make a long story short, my program head and me discussed a plan about how I could come back, take courses and up my GPA, write my GREs, and apply to grad school.  I left to go home the Thursday for my long weekend, and by Easter Monday I had cancelled my university graduation.

There's more to the story about how I've come to the point of accepting that I'm "that fifth year student" but I'm sure that'll come later this month.  

But overall, through my months of uncertainty, and my moments where I want to throw in the towel and quit, I feel like this was the best choice of my life.  There's no better investment I could of made then to be working on improving my GPA in an environment that is encouraging and supportive of the grad school process.

So welcome to my journey.  Of being a fifth year undergrad student, a grad school hopeful, a dreamer, a believer, and an overachiever.  

Cheers,

Amanda