A coma might feel better than this
attempting to discover where to begin
You're weighed down, you're full of something
Of sickness, and desertion.
You're weight down, you're full of something
You're underneath it all.
I'm sitting here wanting to write a post filled with optimism and the positive vibes I've been trying to keep this writing space, but with four weeks of school left and little vision of where my life is headed it's very hard to keep that positivity growing. I've become extremely agitated over the past couple weeks, and dread conversations about grad school, my future, or graduation. I'm back to being pretty bitter. I'm back to shutting myself in my room and off from people if they tell me they're busy. I'm skipping my last few classes of the semester because I feel absolutely no challenge, and at the same time I'm not ready to move on. Even less ready to move on than I was at this time last year. There's nothing to cling to this time. I'm trying to push away from everything and trying to cut away from everything before I feel hurt. Why?
Because graduating means a lot of scary things for me. First of all, all of my support systems have been created through my school. What's going to happen when I graduate? I'm going to be thrown back into the mix of having nothing and nobody. The support systems I have owe me absolutely nothing, if anything I owe them a big portion of my dignity, self-respect, and confidence. When I graduate there will be another student who needs that support, and who needs to have someone that they can do this and to push them in the right direction. And I'm happy for whoever that student is. These people have been like rocks to me, if they know it or not. It's been nice to have someone I can send an email to just so I can take a step back and breathe afterwards. It's been awesome to have someone write me a letter whenever I need it. But come June where does all this go? It's gone.
And what happens if I graduate and I'm not going to a grad school? What if I'm forced to spend my summer (and now spring) at camp and I'm forced to return home? I don't know. I can't even have the disguise of looking for full time work because who's hiring for September now? I don't even know what I can do with my bachelor's degree. As far as I've been convinced by my education, my bachelor's degree is nothing but a useless piece of paper on it's own. My diploma is used to help people get into university, so even that's useless. I don't want to go to my graduation if I'm not going anywhere, because it feels like it'd be nothing more than a celebration of getting nowhere. If I'm not accepted anywhere, I'm going nowhere. How many times I have used the words I don't know.
I'm stuck in this terrifying pool of vulnerability. One that feels very similar to drowning. I don't know where my life is going. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind. Nothing anyone can say is going to bring me comfort. I need to keep going. I need to keep pushing through. I want so badly to put my feet down and sink to the bottom and give up. I want so badly to be done. And at the same time, I don't know a life outside of grad school applications, and outside of being in school at GH.
